she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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