First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
