Moan for me like Helen Keller
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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