Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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