he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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