dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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