do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
