My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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