This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
