this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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