you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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