Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
