does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
