She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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