Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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