so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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