fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
