I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
