i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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