he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
