On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
