i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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