It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You can't just leave with hair like that
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
