I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
