Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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