They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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