Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
