just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Fuck appropriateness.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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