How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
