My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
