she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize