Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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