theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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