I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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