I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
How does one acquire holy water?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
