"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
