My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
