Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
