just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize