It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
