a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
