that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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