well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
