Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
