and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
