It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
