rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
