If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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