i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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