Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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