did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
