saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
