How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
