I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
