im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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