So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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