So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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