Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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