the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
