I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
