Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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