God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
