i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
