we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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