I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
