just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
