So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
