if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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