i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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